Sunday, April 9, 2017

Synchronicity, Learning, Growth and Unconditional Love

I'm a great believer in all of the above... synchronicity, you know, those co-incidences that are just too great to be "co-incidence", the things that are timed perfectly to point us in a certain direction, change the direction we're heading in, give us strength when you need, those stepping stones that may not look like much at the time, but with hindsight you can often see how massive they were in reality.

Learning and Growth, well heck, they just go hand in hand don't they?!  Sadly a lot of learning tends to come in the form of "challenges" which can be way too easy to see as negatives in our lives, unless again (often with hindsight) you are able to look on the circumstances and give thanks for what you learned, what you are learning, where you ended up.  That attitude of gratitude can really shift your perspective of things.

Unconditional Love.... easy right????  We have it for our animals, we have it for our children, some of us are lucky enough to claim it for our partners.  It was something I knew I should be striving for, I knew I didn't have it, not even for my animals or my child, but I wanted it and had no idea how to get it...  I read the stuff about what it is.... sure I can accept someone as they are, as long as....... hahahaha and the list of conditions would go out there!  I can love someone without needing them to love me in return, heck don't we do that when someone we love has left us?!

OMG, I had NO idea what it was!  It made sense, I could see how I thought it should look and then I happened upon it, in one of those synchronistic events.  A chance chat on line which lead to an opportunistic meeting while teaching on of my courses in the same town, and the rest as they say is history.

I'm not sure you'll be able to grasp just what, or rather HOW I've learned the unconditional part without knowing the whole story but it's long and complicated and I'll shorten as much as I can because I guess that only sets the scene it's not what is important.

I met a beautiful soul, one that I instantly recognised and who recognised me, from the other side of the tracks to me, I was a cop, he was a fringe dweller (you know would call them a crim if they'd ever been caught LOL) in somethings complete opposites and yet we were complete mirrors to each other, like looking inside your own head.  I guess some would call it the twin soul.  Meeting him was like coming home.  But life hasn't been kind to him and he is completely and utterly screwed up, manic depressive due to chemical poisoning, some bizarre health issue that has since buggered his heart, liver issues due to alcohol dependency and the list goes on and on... This dear soul has no will to live left, no strength to fight the fight that is needed to LIVE rather than just survive and I felt the immense NEED to help him, as if I was helping myself.  Lets give him a reason to live!!!  Lets let him know and never let him forget that he is loved, just as he is!!!  (OMG I'm loving unconditionally!!!  Go me!!!!)  And yet it wasn't enough for him, being loved by a new comer was not enough for him to say "hell yes, lets sort some of this shit out and free up some energy for living!"  and so I was devastated, and wallowed in misery.... this man had just taught me unconditional love!!!  how could he reject my help?!

I tried everything I could think of to help him!  I talked to him daily, went and visited when he hit rock bottom, visited again to help him physically sort some stuff out on the property that needed to be done, I showered him with positivity, spiritual quotes, whatever, you name it.  If he's so much like me, if I went thru all that crap of depression and the rock bottom I hit just to understand what it was like to help him, then I HAD to be able to actually help him!  I made deals with the powers that be in relation to doing healing, I negotiated with the rest of my life in service to that, I kept a near constant link with him and worked on keeping positivity flowing in his direction (let me just say here that that can be a challenge when someone has been on antidepressants for nearly 40 yrs!  did you know they CAUSE suicidal and homicidal thoughts?!  Believe me I know, I was on the receiving end of them as that link worked both ways!)

Nothing was helping, NOTHING!  I was failing!  I was failing to repay what I owed this soul who had taught me everything about unconditional love!

Then everything changed.  He went from trying to push me away, which I could deal with, heck I understood why he was doing it on every level, we are mirrors to each other remember, to blocking me out completely.  We went from talking for HOURS every night to him not contacting me for half a week or more at a time, and that continued for 3 months.  And I started questioning what the heck I was doing!  Why the hell am I wasting all my time doing healing and energy trying to keep things "positive" for this ungrateful sod?  The only thing that kept me practicing my "unconditional love" (hahahaha) was the fact that prior to him blocking me out completely, I KNEW without a doubt, if I walked away from him, the last thing holding him here would be gone, the walls would go up and he would exit stage left into the great beyond at a reasonable speed... So I kept at it.  I sent texts and messages to inspire, to remind him that he was not unloved and not alone and persisted, because that's what unconditional love is!  It's not giving up just because someone doesn't or can't show you love in return....

And then more synchronicity happens along and I start talking to someone on the spiritual path too who is a great distraction in the evenings which used to be full of talking and were insufferable because they weren't... and I was able to tell him about all the above and he understood it and supported me and said "you've got this!"

Another layer peeled off that onion of Unconditional Love.... and in explaining it all to him, I realised that what I had been doing came with the condition of me being able to help him, because I owed him spiritually for this greatest gift I had ever had... I had to be able to repay that because I would never have made a contract, now or in spirit that would accept such a gift without being able to ease some suffereing for him... I was able to love him as he is.... warts and all, bad sucky attitudes, disrespect, lack of communication, whatever, didn't matter, I understood it, I accepted it and him as he was, BUT he HAD to accept my help!!!

Well he hasn't... I don't know if he will... that is his choice and his journey and I don't know what is coming, but I have faith in what I would have chosen for my life, I have faith that I would never take without giving and that perhaps now, what I can give him is the peace of not feeling like he has to push me away, that he doesn't have to run from what I am trying to push upon him, that if he doesn't feel like he has to run from it, he can be free to just receive it.  And it won't save his life, I can't fix everything for him, but I no longer need him to accept what I'm offering either.  It has TRULY gone unconditional.  I'm not sure there can possibly be another layer to this learning, unless it's to learn how to do it to EVERYONE at once LOL.  I've got it to the point of being able to offer this to more than one person at a time, but it does seem to be only people I have connected with in some way.  Others, well they will say or do something and I will still raise an eyebrow with a "seriously?  You are such a numpty!"  That too shall pass I'm sure of it LOL.

I thought I knew what unconditional love was.... and then I found out I was so far off the mark.... and then I thought I knew what unconditional love is, and I was still missing the mark, each time I thought I had it or understood it, something else would happen and I'd have to re-evaluate and let go of more and more control.  I THINK I have it now... it is so freeing, so wonderful, so bland!  LOL.  Whatever they do is OK, it is almost like there are no highs and no lows, but it sure as heck isn't middle of the road, it is so compassionate, so deep, so incredibly spiritual....

I thank the powers that be every day for bringing me this, while sitting on that little voice of ego that says "but, it should be....."  It's all perfect as it is.  They are all perfect as they are.  I am perfect as I am, even in wanting to help, it's OK to want to help, but I can't take away someone else's choices with that help, even if it is "whats best for them".  I don't remember the game plan we made prior to coming here, but I trust that I made good bloody choices and there are reasons that will become clear, and so I sit back and offer unconditional Love, loyal and true, supportive and quiet. 

You're doing great, wherever you are, whatever step in your journey you're in, however hard or easy it may seem right now, you're doing great, and with all my heart I Love you all, as you are right this very moment....

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