It's always interesting how well timed signposts are in appearing if we are aware of them...
Here I am quite happy with how my acceptance learning is going, and in the space of a phone call I become aware just how much ego is still involved and how there are still little things the acceptance isn't 'honest' in yet... Nice thing is I have become aware of it without feeling a negative attachment to it, so I can now add that to the list of things to be 'conscious' about to ensure that I catch the ego before it does its little digs, before it makes its oh so subtle judgments, so all good! Onwards and upwards and glad to know I'm not the only one going to benefit from me becoming aware of this!
So rolling on from there I guess tonight will see me musing about ego and how I notice mine, how I deal with mine when I'm aware of it or made aware of it and how crafty I've noticed it can be trying to slide on in there!
Ego! Gotta love it! It gives us our identity, it ensures we have enough individuality that once we return to the Source, to 'God' that we aren't simply swallowed by the infiniteness of it, but are able to maintain that separate, or individual consciousness within that.... through our experiences, our learning, our personalities, our egos we are able to keep that sense of 'self' once we are returned to the Whole. That's my take on it anyway! So in that respect it's all good! I know I'm a part of the whole, a part of the infinite but the ego in me is more than happy to hear that all that I go through here, all that I "am" here won't just disappear once it's finished, I won't be a single drop of water, swallowed in the infinite ocean and diluted until you can't find that one drop again afterwards, I'll be a single drop that is aware it is a drop in an ocean and thus hold itself as complete within the completeness!
However what was to serve a purpose AFTER this life, has taken us over in this life, what should be a valuable tool, so that we can experience a sense of self outside of the all encompassing Source, has mutated somewhat through our own allowance of it to a wee monster who does not want to give up that individuality again! Ego is fear of being swallowed by the whole and losing its sense of self, so it fights, sometimes tooth and nail to maintain it's sense of individuality... if you're Aquarius like me you can see it in the contrary nature, where we will take the opposite stance to anyone, no matter whether it is what we believe or not, just to be different LOL.
Ego is the "I'm right and I'm different to you so you must be wrong", ego is the "I'm better and bigger and stronger than you, because then YOU might get swallowed by the ocean, but I'll have a chance of surviving", ego is fear.
Now Eckhart Tolle has a fantastically simple way of dealing with the ego and that is to simply be aware of it, to watch it. Of course you have to recognise it first right? To start with it's pretty simple to recognise, you'll be stunned once you start looking at how UNsubtle it is! But once you become more aware of it, once you start taming it, you may be quite surprised at what a fast learner it is! It becomes very subtle, it sneaks in under the disguise of a motive of Love until somehow your attention is brought to the fact that the motive of Love has a judgment attached, or a slightly superior attitude, or a gloating, or any other number of emotions that when stripped back bring it back to an ego based "I will survive" type of emotion. Sneaky little buggers they are!
So tonight I was made aware of my more subtle ego still playing its games, which is lovely because now I'm aware, I can watch it again, observe it and settle it back down like a fussing baby when it should be sleeping!
It is very much easiest when starting out to think of the ego as a separate identity, then you don't get pulled into the guilt or the blame game, where you judge yourself for 'not knowing better' for failing to recognise it etc etc, all just more ego based pain/fear based stuff.
I guess for me personally it helps to work on leaving judgments behind when I remind myself that 'God', the infinite Source of everything is a very pure, very unconditional, very neutral Love. That Love that will sit back and let you make your own mistakes, it will not try to protect, it will not judge, but it simply allows you to be, and that includes making and learning from our 'mistakes'. So if EVERYTHING is made up completely and utterly from the energy that is Love, then nothing can be judged as bad or wrong can it! It may be vibrating at a different frequency, we may perceive it as a negative for whatever reason, but ultimately it is a manifested form of Love, so it cannot possibly be "bad". That would go for the ego too then right? The ego is not bad. The ego is not out to get us or those around us, the ego is simply a form of Love that is vibrating at a slightly different frequency now, and is out of synch. Much like the Laws of Gravity, a bigger object with attract a smaller object, subjecting a little Love to a BIGGER Love will bring that little Love up in frequency until it is back in synch, so we subject the ego to the light of Awareness, the presense of Love, to 'God' if you can accept that term. We watch it, without judging, we simply observe it and observe in it the Awareness, the Love. Like alchemy it transmutes from a base metal, from a common sludge, to the purest gold, more precious than anything, bringing great value and worth with it. The Ego is a part of who and what we are, we don't want to cast it out, we don't want to destroy it! It is us! But we want to make a fine wine from it instead of it being the vinegar it is when it tries to process itself without Love.
So my ego tonight was found to be a judgmental one and on more than one level! My ego wanted someone to have reasons for doing something that fitted MY perception of what was 'right', I was judging not only them (or rather wanting to not be able to judge them because they conformed to what I wanted!) but I was judging MY reasons as the best ones, lets face it, I am of course, always right!!! (Aquarius remember?! LOL) I now have to consciously be aware of the ego, because although the reasons behind it are ultimately seen (by me!) as good ones, wanting someone to be the best they can be, they are still judging and setting people up for failure, and setting myself up to be disallusioned when they can't live up to my expectations! I, without ego, can and will accept their reasons as THEIR reasons, I accept their journey as not identical to mine even though they may be similar, I accept that I can control only one thing and that is myself and my thoughts and my Love, and that when I can control that there is no NEED to control anything else, all else is free to 'be'... so I turn my awareness to the voice in my head, the one that justifies, the one that makes excuses, the one that tries to place blame, the voice that is fear and pain based, and I watch that voice, I watch it with Love, that is the "me" part of the "I Am", that needy little voice is the Kelley-Anne part of this Being, and with a bit of careful observation, and with a lot of awareness, that part of me will be serene, that part of me will be at Peace, that part of me will be Love with a sense of self and will no longer be able to or try to hurt others or myself to protect it's identity.
I have no doubt my ego hasn't finished teaching me yet, I get the feeling we're not quite out of the common sludge stage just yet! But we are progressing, I am no longer unconsciously letting it run my life and cause me the pain and misery it has in the past. I'm no longer unconsciously letting it sabotage myself or those that I love, I no longer honour the ego by buying into the past or the future... all I truly have is right now, this very moment, and I will honour that as the only truth I have. What I say right NOW makes a difference, what I do right NOW is important, because anything else is pure illusion, is simply either no longer exists or has not yet existed! It is all illusion outside of this one glorious moment, each Now contains within it the infinite, each Now has the potential to be ANYTHING, do you honour that potential or wish it away for the illusion of a future or a memory of the past and buy into the ego....?